Friday, January 27, 2006

So you wanna learn to spit some game?

You wear your VonDutch religiously, you take creatine like it's going out of style, and you've got everyone fooled with your fake photo on MySpace, but if you can't talk the talk, it's just another night alone with Peter Piccolo.

For those of you who are still stuck on dribbling, we've got a few verbal drills sure to have you tickling the twine in no time. And for those of you who think you've got some new moves to show off, feel free to drop 'em on us.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Shooter

Definition: We've all seen him. The shooter's a circulator. He makes his rounds through the bar, winking at girls like he's having an epileptic fit, flashing a crest white strip smile, and wielding his pointer fingers like he's the Pale Rider.

*DISCLAIMER: The words in this dictionary are not intended for the purpose of shooting.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Fixer Uppers

Definition: Just in time for spring cleaning we've got the fixer uppers! These are all the hapless little grommits still rockin the ape drapes and cherry pie t-shirts, cruising town in their I-ROC Zs. These folks aren't uncool, they just haven't been cool for a very long time. So we've put together a list of a few things to avoid this spring as the weather warms up.

Jorts: These are jean shorts - and they are to be avoided come hell or high water (oh, and stay away from high waters too). The only time we've ever, ever seen these look cool was when Cindy Crawford wore them in that old Pepsi ad. Trust us, you don't look like that.

Jirts: The only thing worse than Jorts are Jirts. You guessed it, Jean Shirts. Wanna get your ass kicked? Wear them with Jorts.

Shoobies and Merts: Shoobies are tourists. They storm the beaches with their speedos and sock tans, jorts and jirts. There seems to be a high concentration of Shoobies originating from places such as Pennsylvania in the East, and San Bernadino in the West. Merts are the youngins. You can easily identify them by their strange behavior when they get near a wave. They commonly perform what is called a mert bash - a full on collision with an incoming wave.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Take the Browns to the Super Bowl

Defintion: What with the superbowl just around the corner, we thought we'd take the opportunity to talk about one of our favorite things - poop. You take the browns to the superbowl when you've got a big one on deck. To go along with the theme, here are a few more classifications:

Drop a steak: This is your standard poop, varying in size, juiciness, and cut.

Ice the Chocolate Cake: This is when you lay a turd, then drizzle it with a few chunky remnants. Mmmmmm!

Tar Baby: This is the dark variety - always tricky to get out the poop chute. When you're having trouble, we like to say you've got a Tar Baby Stuck in the Briar Patch.

Jolly Green Giant: This beanstalk's of the big, green, chunky variety.

Ghost Turd: This is when your poop goes into stealth mode. You don't see it, don't hear it, but when you look into that glimmering bowl, lo and behold there's a turd.


Sunday, January 30, 2005

Princess Pattycakes

Definition: You know those girls with the angel faces, the bonita apple bums and too perfect ta-tas? Ever wonder why you never find 'em in bars? Because they're all fourteen! Those pattycakes look delicious enough to eat with a little maple syrup or some strawberries, but this girl's still got a curfew. Unless you wanna serve time in the pound-me-in-the-ass pen, it's look but don't touch with these honeys.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Negative Nancy

Definition: This is the naysayer. The hole in your bouncy castle. The cookie with no chips. If you're not careful the negative nancy will seize every last shred of excitement from your life, tear it up, monkey stomp it, and leave you devoid, whipped, helplessly watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond while all the rest of your friends are out at the club getting a title shot.

Titleshot

Definition: This is the opportunity you don't want to blow...unless a blowjob's what you're going for. It's your Jon Favreau moment - Grab the Bunny or forever hold your Piece. Who would you give the titleshot?

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Comeback Kid

Definition: The comeback kid's every bodily function stands at the ready to put yours to shame. Let out a belch, and his is louder, squeak out a fart; his is juicier. As far as we know, this title is held by a guy named Jason Maddox of Ocean City New Jersey.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Gremloid

Definition: She's everywhere you don't want her to be. The gremloid is the woman spilling out of her seat next to you on the plane. Her narsty pits are in your face at the concert, and her mustache still shows traces from last night's hamburger helper. In short, she's a big fat, hairy disgusting woman that leads a tragic life.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Bonaparte

Definition: A chick who needs a few new parts before you'd bone her.